Those that have read my blog for some time will know that I’m one of those scary bisexual people. I really do have a choice about the sort of people I want to have relationships with, unlike people who are more strongly homosexual or heterosexual (not that I actually have any choice about who I fall for in the end – the heavens seem to have their own plans for me there!) That means that I get to think a lot about whether I want a straight or gay relationship and how I want to be seen by society.
The difficult thing for me is that I found a lot of comfort being in relationships with men. I’ve been pretty lucky and have had some lovely boyfriends, all of whom have had qualities which gave me good reasons for falling for them. However, there’s another reason why I’ve fallen for men: Being with a man made me feel that my femininity is being validated. I’ve always worried that being with a woman is, in a way, making me less of a woman.
Now, before anyone starts writing nasty comments, I’m not making any broader statements about womanhood, the place of women in society or the different sorts of relationships (homosexual vs. heterosexual), I’m talking about me and how I react to those relationships, especially considering my transsexual past. Last year, I fell deeply in love with a wonderful woman and as we come up to our one year anniversary, I’ve been thinking about how I have changed in how I react to this.
I know that my girlfriend is 100% lesbian and is, in fact, only attracted to feminine women. So, since there’s no risk of her being attracted to any (shudder) masculine parts of who I am, why is it that I didn’t get that validation of me as a woman from how she felt about me? I think a lot of it was down to the fact that I didn’t let it because society only lets men validate femininity.
This would already be complicated enough were it not that trans women being put under a lot of pressure to be heterosexual. Unlike cis women, we have leading lights in the world of psychology who have for years maintained that a homosexual trans woman is ‘less transsexual’ (i.e. less of a woman) than a heterosexual one. There are even psychologists out there who would block homosexual trans women from access to treatment such as hormones and surgery. This tends to put a lot of fear into trans women so we have another reason on top of all the same social pressures everyone in same-sex relationships suffer with.
I think what I’ve gone through over the past year is something akin to what everyone goes through when coming out… I’ve had to learn to accept that it’s OK for me to be gay, that it doesn’t make me any less of a woman. Whilst I was always happy to be seen in public holding hands with my lovely girlfriend, it took me a little time to accept that I don’t need a man to judge my femininity. However on top of that, I’ve also had to shrug off the pressure to be this ‘perfect woman’ in the 1950′s-woman/Stepford Wives stereotype that still remains part of the psychological treatment of trans women.
It’s been quite a journey to reach this point and whilst I’ll not say that I don’t need validation of my femininity any more (I have some big holes in my self confidence, sometimes, which can make me a little bit high maintenance), I have come to the realisation that I’m allowed to be gay.
It’s definitely very OK to be gay, I have to say. How else could I be in the situation I am now, in love with a truly wonderful woman?
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Tags: acceptance, coming out, LGB, Trans
Can you expand on that please? Perhaps with some concrete frinstances, if possible? I’ve re-read this post a few times now, and I’m still not getting it.
And do you mean to say that one is not part of society if a woman can validate another’s femininity? Or that you personally used to conform to but now reject that validation standard? Or that society is changing, and it’s now OK for a woman to validate another woman’s femininity (and if so…do they have to be in a sexual relationship or is this validation possible between colleagues and coworkers and siblings)?
I hate to sound naïve, but these are honest questions and I hope they don’t offend.
cliff1976´s last blog ..Nerdin’ out with Kubuntu 9.10 “Karmic Koala”
Sorry for getting to this so late… My latest post explains why!
When I referred to the validation of women by men, I was talking about two things. An awful lot of the messaging that women receive about who they should be comes from male-driven stereotypes. In addition, however, society gives a lot more validation to heterosexual relationships than to homosexual relationships (men in homosexual relationships are stereotyped as effeminate and lesbians are stereotyped as butch) which means that for a woman, society says that the validation of her femininity should come from male attraction.
Women certainly do validate each other’s femininity but society values the validation from men a great deal more and this is doubly so for trans women where they are told by the gatekeeping psych professionals that they are ‘lesser’ if they are in homosexual relationships. I do think that society is changing, yes, but that’s a slow change and it is my change in perception which I am talking about here: I’m accepting that it is (more than) OK to be in a homosexual relationship and rejecting the constraints which society and my shrinks have placed on me.
I hope that explained things a little! I was a little obtuse in this post, so my apologies for that!
Congratulations on your anniversary–and for making it through everything in the last year. I’m glad that you’ve found the perfect girlfriend who’s been supportive and wonderful.
I’ve learned a lot from your experiences and what you’ve shared on here and I look forward to sharing a bottle of Sekt with you at an appropriate juncture in the future (hopefully in Hamburg).
tqe | Adam´s last blog ..I hardly knew you…
Thanks, Adam!
I’ve been through a lot of changes in the past few years and I am so happy to see things coming together so well!
I do look forward to that sekt and the conversation we will have over it!
Emily, I really don’t think that being validated, acceptance without thought is gender dependent. I think both males and females validate us but not all of them. Obviously those who have clocked us, if we can be ‘clocked’ and that depends on the individual, may do so or not and that of course depends on them. Many people may have clocked you without your knowledge but have said nothing. That to me could mean one of two things, either they have accepted and validated your gender in their mind or they just couldn’t give a toss! I think I know what you mean though about validation, it’s more of a personal, relationship thing. If you feel you are lesbian and your girlfriend accepts you as female as well as a lover then she is validating your gender isn’t she?
Whether or not being gay is ok for you is really about self confidence and self assurance. It isn’t for me to say one way or the other as I hold different views on the subject. You do what you want in your life. Lots of love
Shirley Anne xxx
Shirley Anne´s last blog ..And the beat goes on…
I think there’s a difference between being read and having ones femininity validated. The former applies only to trans people and the latter to all women. You’re right in that being read really depends on the other person’s perceptions and then how they react on that (i.e. they may have read you but still be accepting of your femininity). The idea of validation of ones femininity is very much focussed on the person receiving the validation… What I was trying (a little unsuccessfully) to say was that the validation of ones femininity is something which one receives and one needs to learn to accept it irrespective of the value which society places on the different forms.
And yes, my girlfriend is definitely validating my femininity and I’m now learning to properly value that, irrespective of society’s rules!
And I have a question of a more practical nature: can you please e-mail me about dates for the meet-up? It’s in Hamburg!
cheers,
Ian
ian in hamburg´s last blog ..The hockey game I will always remember
Hi Emily,
I can see where your coming from, though I must say I’m still very much with both feet in the lesbian camp, I can’t help feeling that I have moved slightly in bi direction. Until recently I saw no attraction in men, then I saw one who made me double take and I had a feeling “there” that normally only happens when I see a woman I find really attractive ( normally the girlie type ). This shook me to be honest .. at the moment.
As far as validating femininity, I think it’s more of the way people treat us, be it female or male .. do males show us “normal” male to female courtesies, do females talk to us about the personal things that we would never talk about to a male. I must admit in my professional life, I get about 90% “validation” from both male and female colleagues.
How fun that you have that development in the bi direction!
It is fun, being bi, but it does complicate things sometimes! 
I think you’re right that one should focus more on how people treat you than on how much society values that validation and that is what I’ve learned to a certain extent. I’m taking my validation from the places which matter, now!
I have to say that, even though I understood your predicament, it has always been a source of upset to me that you have not been able to accept my compliments with the same pleasure that they have been given. That said, I am beginning to see a very welcome change in you, but I do not know if this change is due to the blossoming levels of confidence as a consequence of your alignment of body and mind, or whether I am finally beginning to break through those protective barriers of yours!
The day I tell you you are gorgeous and you accept it fully, will be the day the Hallelujah chorus will flood my heart with happiness! That day will come, for sure, or I will be demanding my money back from Yoda!