The process of developing in ones transition is huge. The years running up to my decision to transition were bad, with depression, anger, frustration and fear colouring them. Transitioning, however, was a real rollercoaster. I’ve been through fabulous times, I’ve been through terrible times, I’ve been scared witless and I’ve had moments of sheer, unadulterated joy.
In a process such as that, people are fragile. I don’t think I would have made it were it not for the support of my ex-wife, my lovely girlfriend and some lovely friends. I needed them so much in those moments when I thought I’d never be able to live a normal life as a woman and when the fear and mental pressure were simply too much. I owe a lot to these people.
However, thinking back, I remember one situation which hurt me deeply and I want to make sure I don’t end up doing the same to someone else. I had developed a deep friendship with a trans woman from Northern France. Even though she lived hours away, for quite some time, we helped each other a great deal. She gave me a lot of strength and I helped her through some black moments where she felt she’d never be able to transition.
Luckily for her, she got the support of a fabulous psychiatrist who worked her way through the French system to get my friend her operation a couple of years ago. It’s the luck of the draw all so often in medical systems: The right doctor can make a lot of things happen quickly. Whilst I have to admit that I was sad not to have the same level of support, I was happy for her and we remained in contact during that period of her life.
Unfortunately, some time after her operation, I hit a very low time in my life and turned to her for the help which we’d given each other so much in the past. I was shocked and saddened to feel a complete lack of comprehension from her. There I was going through the same things we’d both gone through together months before, but she’d reached a point in her transition where she just couldn’t relate to the problems she’d actually gone through herself.
I was thinking about this recently due to the post a friend of mine made on her blog. She talked of the down moments and the fear and I realised that I had neatly partitioned that part of my life away. Four months post-op and I’m already forgetting chunks of my transsexual past!
It’s a natural part of the way the mind works. We forget the bad times and move on. If we didn’t, just imagine how tough it would be to lead a normal life! However, this very mechanism that helps us survive is the thing which means that a ‘transsexual community’ will always be more difficult to create than the equivalent gay/lesbian communities. We move through our transitions and emerge at the other end ‘fixed’ so it is so easy to march one with ones life and completely forget the pain one had felt just a few months before.
I have some lovely friends who are pre-op. I even have some who are still not sure they will ever transition. It would be terribly sad if I wasn’t there for them in the way that others have been there for me. I won’t do what my friend did to me. Whilst I have no need to carry the luggage of the bad times I went through, I do have to remember that others are still on that roller coaster and I want to be there for them.
Yes, we may not have a ‘transsexual community’, but that doesn’t mean we should forget how difficult things can be when transitioning and it certainly doesn’t mean we should not be there to support those in that time of their lives.
Possibly Related Posts:
- How to overdo it completely!
- It’s OK to be gay
- Back to work
- Back to reality
- The operation – Day 36: Wrapping things up in Chonburi
Tags: depression, help, support, Trans, transition
I’m so sorry to learn that Emily. You must have felt very hurt at the time. I am glad you pulled through though. It is true to say that some people just cannot reflect on what has passed in their lives as though it was something they’d prefer not to remember. You might be forgiven for thinking she didn’t care about you or all that you’d done for her when she was going through bad times. You may be right but on the other hand there may have been a very good reason for her attitude. I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt here I know. Of course you gave your support without expecting anything in return, which is right but nevertheless it hurts when people treat you this way. You have all the support you need through those who love you but it’s a shame that this girl could not find it in her heart to reciprocate the love you have shown her. Knowing you though, I cannot see this stopping you from continuing to give support to those you feel need it. Hugs and love
Shirley Anne xxx
Shirley Anne´s last blog ..I know why.
Thanks for your comment, Shirley Anne. It’s only now that I understand my friend’s reaction. I’m very sure she didn’t do it to be nasty, I think she simply moved on and was going through the process of building her new life. It made me sad, but as we can see, it also taught me a lesson. I could so easily have done something like that had I not had this wake up call. I’ve had some amazing support and I would have been sad to realise that I wasn’t providing the same support back, now that I’m post-op.
You may be one, but you’re more than a community to me. You touch my heart, right there, just as you did some years ago, and continue to do so.
Thank you for being you, ma cocotte.
Lots of Love.
Jessica
Thank you so much, Jessica. You’re so kind. You’ve also been a wonderful support for me, over the years we’ve known each other. Thank you, too!!!!
When I slipped through that mental barrier betwixt pre-op and post-op, I know that I resolved to look forward and celebrate the the skin I was now in, rather than dwell on the past upsets that only resulted in my confidence peaking and troughing as frequently as a kangaroo on a pogo stick! I believe that is perfectly understandable behaviour (not the kangaroo pogo-ing!).
What is not understandable is when one ignores a friend in distress. I would be utterly ashamed if I turned my back on any friend, be they trans or non trans, should they turn to me for help. And that’s the difference. You can change in yourself, but a friend is a friend is a friend. It is beyond the issue of transitioning and one of common courtesy. I think, upsetting although it was, you learnt that this woman from Northern France was a superficial friend.
For myself, had I taken such a selfish viewpoint, I would never have met the woman of my dreams! Emie, the trans woman in Northern France is the biggest loser in all of this, as your friendship is platinum!
Thank you, sweetie. You’re so kind. I do agree that being there for friends is so important, but I can also understand how easy it is to forget the pain one can suffer during the transition. I’ve learned from this so that I will do my absolute best to never forget that friends of mine may be feeling like that.
Straight Men love transsexuals, in part, because during the early stages of transition, the transsexual still retains vestiges of male logic and other behaviors. The chief allure of the transsexual is that she is attractive looking as a woman, yet not the never satisfied with anything, constantly bitching, typically uptight, genetic woman.
Once many transwomen have been on hormones for a long time, had and orchidectomy or have had the SRS operation, most of them are just as flighty and irrational as genetic women.
This leaves Men wondering what the point of transition is, when there are already too many women in the world who are perpetually bitchy and have nothing at all nice to say to, or about, Men.
Thanks for your comment. I can’t say that I agree, having seen just as much illogical behaviour in men and women, be they trans or cis. I find it difficult to blanket associate attributes like that to people. Mind you, considering that I’ve been on hormones for years and have had SRS, I guess you’d just say I was being illogical.